Middle-aged white male cyclists secede from US, occupy highway
AUSTIN, Texas — About two hundred older white men on bikes invaded scenic Loop 360 in West Austin at 6am today, creating a moving cordon which stopped all disgusting planet-killing cars in its path. Their leader, John Connor III, said in a speech by Bull Creek that the time of cars on roads has ended.
“We’ve had enough of stupid motorists honking at us and riding our asses. What a [expletive] nuisance. Roads are for recreation and cycling,” Connor said, the rising sun reflecting off his gas station sunglasses. Indeed, the statesman approximated a sort of cycling Spartan with his aerodynamic helmet and chariot wheels.
“Fight the machines!” Connor said of cars.
As the newborn Republic of Spandexia, as the men proclaimed their political project, was working out at such an ungodly hour, their insurrection went unnoticed in the Texas capital until about 9am. Governor Greg Abbott, himself a master of wheels, nevertheless condemned the Spandexers and vowed to retake the winding hilly highway.
“This is the greatest crisis Texas has faced since President Obama invaded us. The rebels will be apprehended shortly,” Abbott said at a joint assembly in the Capitol.
“I mean seriously, what were they thinking, seceding from America?” said the angry governor. “That’s our job.”
Though the new country faces a host of problems, perhaps the most pressing is its birthrate of 0%. Evidently, the population of Spandexia is 100% male. When a reporter asked Connor, who had proclaimed himself Lord-Cyclist of Spandexia, how he plans to improve the birthrate, he said that his government will import young Filipinas.
“The tradition-minded Filipina woman is a great fit for citizens of Spandexia. She won’t talk back, she’ll wash our jerseys, and most importantly, she doesn’t have a driver’s license.”
“F- cars,” he concluded.
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